


relax, i've got you

by thekalk



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, First Kiss, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mild Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-08-16
Packaged: 2018-12-09 11:12:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 21,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11667948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekalk/pseuds/thekalk
Summary: "Isak’s too proud to admit it out loud but his ankle is actually in pain ‒ it's nothing too bad but it definitely is hurting. Fortunately, Even plays along and pretends that he didn’t see Isak’s pained expression for Isak’s ‒ or more likely his pride’s ‒ sake and instead he leans down and presses a light kiss on the exposed skin on his ankle. Isak freezes at the touch of Even’s lips on his skin. This is definitely something new in their friendship."--or: a childhood best friends AU where Isak is oblivious and Even has a catchphrase[on hiatus due to mental health issues]





	1. the beginning

**Author's Note:**

> this is just a small fic I've been itching to write ever since the [hei briskeby](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDKREqGVSxM&t) video where we found out about Even's catchphrase. i've planned four chapters for this fic with three or four scenes in each but i haven't completed writing yet so anything could happen.
> 
> and i feel like i have to mention this: the other characters aren't really in this first chapter (except for isak discussing jonas with even) but they'll make appearances a bit later!
> 
> but yeah so, here we go, i hope you'll enjoy!

**_seven and nine_ **

Isak has always loved going grocery shopping with his parents but there’s one thing he hates: when one of them gets caught up in a conversation with someone they know from work, a distant relative, or, in this case, someone his father went to school with. The woman he is talking to has blond hair, is quite tall and she has the bluest eyes Isak has ever seen ‒ that is before he sees the boy the woman has with her.

While Isak’s father and the woman talk about how life has changed since they have last seen each other Isak gets lost in the boy’s piercing blue eyes. He has probably never seen anything as fascinating in his life ‒ or if he has, he suddenly can’t remember it. When the boy glances curiously at Isak he has to turn his gaze away, feeling a bit embarrassed by the fact that he got caught staring.

Isak’s eyes wander around the boy when he’s sure he’s not watching at Isak and just like his mother, he, too, has blond hair and is tall ‒ or taller than Isak, at least. He is wearing a plain grey t-shirt but Isak still feels something along the lines of envy growing in his chest. He’s quite sure he wants a shirt like Even’s ‒ how can a plain shirt look that good on someone? His clothes feel like they’re made for _babies_ or something, with all the cartoon characters and wild patterns. Even, however, looks mature in his shirt and, well, Isak can’t stand that. He crosses his arms on his chest.

Isak shuffles closer to his father, trying to give a hint that he wants to leave. He doesn’t want to look at the other boy anymore ‒ the boy stirs something inside Isak like no one else has before. It’s weird and _ugh_ Isak just wants to continue shopping for groceries. Why does his father do this to him every single time?

“Oh, we should definitely eat dinner together sometime soon!” Isak gets snapped back to reality by his father’s excited voice. “Our boys would definitely get along, right, Isak?” Isak feels his father nudge his arm so he just nods, looking at the dirty floor. His nod is hardly visible but it seems to spark something in the woman.

“Yeah, absolutely! Even, could you introduce yourself to Isak?” she asks the boy, _Even_ , and after Even glances at his mother he turns to Isak.

“I’m Even and I’m nine years old,” the boy says and offers Isak his hand. Isak scoffs because _who does Even think he is with his pretentious, official handshake greeting?_ Despite his inner thoughts he reaches his hand out to grab Even’s and shakes it.

“I’m Isak,” he tells shyly and Even nods with a smile. Isak doesn’t return the expression because he’s still feeling a bit weird about Even.

“And how old are you, Isak?” Even asks, voice polite as ever. Isak looks at his father because he isn’t sure if he should tell this complete stranger his age or any other personal information but his father has already picked off where he left from with Even’s mother, attention completely on explaining his situation at work to her. So Isak looks back at Even who is clearly amused by Isak’s hesitant behaviour if the wide smile on his face is something to go by.

“I’m seven,” he answers when the silence has gone on to be almost awkward. Even doesn’t seem to mind as his smile grows even wider.

“You’re so young,” Even states, still smiling. Isak frowns at that ‒ he’s not sure if Even’s making fun of him or just stating the obvious. Isak watches Even with a small frown on his face long enough for Even’s radiant smile to fade away a bit.

“I mean, not that that is a bad thing,” Even hurries to explain himself and Isak’s face relaxes,  a small smile tugging on his lips. Even doesn’t seem to mean any harm, Isak thinks. Even definitely looks happy with himself as he sees Isak relax which just makes Isak smile even wider. Even’s happiness is contagious even though it still is messing with Isak’s insides and making his fingertips tingle.

“What kind of cereal do you like?” Even changes the subject abruptly and looks around. They’re in the middle of the cereal aisle ‒ Isak’s favourite place in any grocery store, if he’s completely honest. All of the cereal boxes are so colourful and nice to look at and, well, he loves his cereal.

“It depends on the day,” he answers with a nonchalant shrug. Even nods as if he agrees.

“Yeah, you’re absolutely right,” Even says and goes off on a tangent about his favourite cereals and the situations and moods he likes to eat them in. Isak isn’t sure what it is that makes it interesting to listen to someone talk in depth about different kinds of cereals but whatever the reason, Isak is well entertained to the point that when his father is done with talking to Even’s mom, he feels sad to leave Even’s company.

“Don’t worry, you’ll see him on Friday when we’ll have a nice dinner together,” his father tells him. “Now, choose what cereal you’d like to have an we’ll go home and cook ‒ your mom is probably starving already.”

Isak nods and turns around. Even talked about three minutes straight about how cornflakes are a safe choice for every mood so now he’s craving them. His face falls when he realizes the cornflakes are on a high shelf and his father has already gotten to the end of the aisle, looking for something else on their shopping list. He feels a slight panic form in his chest because he’s too embarrassed to yell at his father to come back since he’s probably out of the hearing range but he _really_ wants the cornflakes but can’t reach them.

“Relax, I’ve got you,” a voice beside him says. Isak looks at Even while he reaches to the shelf and gives Isak a box of cornflakes with a small “here you go”. For a few seconds they’re only smiling at each other before Isak hears his father call his name.

“Thanks,” Isak says shyly, a blush heating his cheeks. He ducks his head as he runs after his father, cornflakes in his hand and leaving a smiling Even behind.

\--

**_nine and eleven_ **

Ever since they met at the grocery store and had family dinner on that one fateful Friday, Even and Isak have been inseparable. Isak loves to hang out with Even and he has done so if not every day for two years, then it has to be somewhat close to that. When Even had travelled abroad with his parents for a week, Isak had only survived because they had been messaging back and forth the whole time. Isak’s parents hadn’t been that happy about it considering his phone bill had been through the roof that month but Isak thought it was worth it ‒ even if it meant not being allowed to use his phone for a few weeks. He had just spent the weeks with Even entertaining him.

And the thing is ‒ Even makes everything they do exciting. Whether they go to an amusement park or just do the dishes it’s always them two against the world, having the time of the time of their lives. Isak has to admit it feels slightly weird to have a friend ‒ a best friend ‒ like Even since he has never really been blessed with friends who he would’ve wanted to spend all of his free time with. He doesn’t have trouble forming friendships but ever since Even has been in his life he hasn’t really had time for anyone else.

So when Isak woke up in the morning to Even blasting his phone, asking Isak if he wanted to go on an adventure with him, he had gotten out of bed immediately and answered Even an excited “yeah”. Isak isn’t sure if going to the park near their houses counts as an adventure but he’s still content, sitting on the grass, playing around with Even and doing everything and nothing at the same time. They have been laughing and just talking about anything that comes to their minds for hours ‒ a typical Saturday for them. Isak picks at the grass beside him and throws it at Even when Even tells a stupid joke and Even pushes a laughing Isak back a little, trying to get his revenge. They end up both falling on their backs on the grass, smiling at each other.

“You’re so stupid,” Isak tells Even matter-of-factly, trying and failing to hide his wide grin.

“If I’m stupid, you’re more stupid because you’re hanging out with an idiot like me,” Even declares and reaches for Isak’s hand which is lying on the ground beside Isak’s body. Isak gives his hand happily for Even to hold. "Two idiots here, trying to stargaze but all the stars are gone," Even says and smiles at Isak.

"You're just proving my point," Isak scoffs. When the smile on Even's face turns confused an incredulous smile spreads on Isak's face. “The stars aren't gone, they're always there. Even during the days, you idiot,” he explains and rolls his eyes ‒ it's an act of fondness more than an act of annoyance, though. Even laughs and Isak feels a bit proud of himself ‒ he can’t help but be proud every time he makes Even happy.

For a moment they’re just lying there under the sun, holding hands and smiling dumbly at each other in silence. Then there’s an idea. “We should climb that tree.” It’s Even who suggests it but who is Isak to decline the offer to do ‒ well, anything with his best friend. During the two years they’ve been inseparable friends Isak has learned that whatever it is that he does with Even, it’s going to be fun. So, he agrees without really thinking about it and they start climbing.

It’s all fun and games until Isak falls and hurts his ankle. He can’t really put weight on it so Even thinks Isak has to be taken to the emergency room for an x-ray. Isak, however, decides to act like it’s not a big deal because he is okay and there’s _nothing_ wrong with his ankle.

“Even, I’m fine,” he insists pointedly when Even offers him a piggyback ride back home. Isak can see Even is resisting the urge to roll his eyes at him but he doesn’t care. “I don’t need your help. I’m  _fine_.” He’s actually a bit embarrassed and disappointed in himself because he has somehow managed to ruin their nice evening together which Even planned for them.

“It’s not a problem for me to carry you, Isak. I’m very strong and, you know, still taller than you,” Even says and now it’s Isak’s turn to try not to roll his eyes. He fails. Even isn’t wrong, though. During the last two years they have spent together, Even has grown taller and stronger. And then there’s Isak who feels like he isn’t even at the same height as Even was two years ago when they met. He would never admit it out loud but he’s envious of Even ‒ he’s all tall and handsome and _mature_ while Isak’s just. He just feels like a child, still.

“Ugh, just… I don’t know, I should probably just let it rest for a moment,” Isak offers and pats the spot next to him on the ground. Even has been standing in front of him but now he lowers himself to the ground and sits with his legs crossed, towards Isak.

“Okay, but if our ways of healing it don’t work, we’ll have to go to the ER,” Even says. Isak rolls his eyes again. He remembers when they were just starting their friendship and he hadn’t been able to roll his eyes as freely as his does now in case Even would think he was weird. Now, though, he understands that it was all Even’s fault he wanted to roll his eyes so much in the first place ‒ and during the years it has become a thing: Even says something stupid, teasing Isak and Isak rolls his eyes at him. Sometimes Isak is sure that Even teases him on purpose just to see him roll his eyes. He doesn’t have a problem with that so he hasn’t bothered confronting Even about it.

“And what are ‘our ways of healing’? Other than letting it rest?” he asks and shoots Even a curious, almost challenging smirk. At that, Even scoots closer to him, so that their sides are flush together and throws his arm around Isak’s shoulder. And then the other one around his neck. Isak is a bit startled at first but a hug isn’t anything new in their friendship ‒ it was just so sudden it takes a good few seconds before he hugs Even back.

“Relax, I’ve got you,” Even whispers in Isaks hair and Isak melts immediately in his embrace.

After a minute or two of hugging, Even is the one who lets go and then grabs Isaks ankle gently. Isak winces because, okay, it hurts. He’s too proud to admit it out loud but his ankle is actually in pain ‒ it's nothing too bad but it definitely is hurting. Fortunately, Even plays along and pretends that he didn’t see Isak’s pained expression for Isak’s ‒ or more likely his pride’s ‒ sake and instead he leans down and presses a light kiss on the exposed skin on his ankle. Isak freezes at the touch of Even’s lips on his skin. This is definitely something new in their friendship.

Isak has been kissed before ‒ mostly by his mother on his cheek as a good night’s kiss ‒  but never has a kiss sent such an electric jolt of something down his spine. Isak doesn’t know how to describe the feeling or what to call it but whatever it is, it makes the pain more tolerable. He watches Even as he leans back against his hands, smiling brightly at him. When Isak stays quiet, Even raises his eyebrows.

“Well, did it help?” Even asks and his stare is intense, like he is trying to read Isak’s mind. Isak is used to have Even’s eyes on him but nothing has ever compared to the intensity of his stare on him right now; Isak doesn’t know what to think about it but at least it’s not making him uncomfortable which, he has to admit, is kind of a rare quality in people. He doesn’t really enjoy other people staring at him, it makes him feel like they’re judging him. But with Even, that’s never the case.

“Yeah,” Isak says and shakes his head as an afterthought. “I mean‒ not really. It’s not hurting. It didn’t hurt in the first place. I’m the master of falling off of trees.”

Even laughs at that, throwing his head back and letting the laughter affect his whole body. Isak rolls his eyes at him but then his expression softens involuntarily. He watches Even laugh and warmth spreads inside his body, especially surrounding his heart and making his lips turn into a fond smile.

“What? What are you looking at?” he hears Even ask. Even’s questions don’t sound teasing or anything Even’s questions usually do sound like. Even’s voice is soft and it’s a lot quieter than his laugh before. Everything seems more quiet, like it’s just the two of them in the park while the sun is setting behind their backs and colouring the trees around them with its warm glow. And that’s basically what Isak feels inside ‒ a warm feeling, radiating from his own sun who is sitting in front of him.

“Nothing,” he whispers. Even’s eyes, brighter than anything Isak has ever seen in his life, sparkle with something unfamiliar and Isak has to look away. This time the stare is too intense for him to handle because it’s sparking something deep inside him.

The moment is over when Even stands up and offers his hand for Isak.

“Does it still hurt?” Even teases and Isak scoffs as he stands up with the help of Even. The ankle isn’t that bad anymore, he can already put some weight on it and it doesn’t seem to be swollen. It’s probably going to be okay without a visit to the ER, Isak thinks as they start walking slowly, Isak gripping Even’s arm for support every other step.

“I’m fine, Even,” he says. Even shakes his head slightly and breathes out a small laugh.

“Whatever you say. Now come on, let’s go home before the sun sets. Your mom and dad must be worried sick.”

\--

**_twelve and fourteen_ **

“And‒ and did I tell you he knows how to skateboard?” Isak asks Even on a quiet night they’re spending at Even’s house. He has been going on about his new friend Jonas for about fifteen minutes but he feels like he could go on and on for hours. They met at school four days ago when they had to sit next to each other; their teacher had assigned the students to sit in alphabetical order and as a result Valtersen sat next to Vasquez and a friendship was born.

“Yeah, you mentioned,” Even says, amusement in his voice. They are lying on Even’s bed horizontally, Even’s longer legs dangling off the edge of the bed. Isak never admits it when Even teases him about it but he is still kind of envious of Even and how tall he is.

“I’m sorry I keep talking about him. It’s just nice to have a new friend,” Isak says, “and, you know, he’s just so cool.”

Isak sees Even narrow his eyes at that. “What? Am I not cool enough of a friend for you? I’m two years older than you and‒ and you’re still just a baby.” Isak knows how he should be reacting to Even teasing him since they always throw banter around each other but this time ‒ well, this time Even kind of hit a sore spot. So, he stays quiet and keeps his eyes on his hands, eyebrows furrowed and a small frown dragging his lips downwards. Even must realize there’s something wrong since he turns on his side so that he’s facing Isak.

“Isak, I was just kidding. You’re not a baby. I just thought‒”

“No, I mean‒ I kind of am, I guess,” Isak confesses shyly, voice barely audible. He’s been terrified of exactly this since he talked with Jonas about girls. Jonas told him about his girlfriend who he had to leave behind when he moved to Oslo and how sad the girl had been. He told Isak all about how they always used to hang out after school and even had kissed, like, over fifteen times. Isak had just nodded along and hoped Jonas wouldn’t ask him about his experiences with girls because, frankly, he didn’t have any nor had he ever even really wanted there to be.

“What do you mean?” Even asks, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“I, um, I talked with Jonas about‒ about girls and, um.” Isak doesn’t know how to say it. Even is his best friend in the whole universe ‒ and all other universes there are, too ‒ and they talk about everything but this is a whole new territory. And Isak can’t help but feel embarrassed about this.

“Girls? Isak, are you trying to tell me you have a crush on someone?” Even wiggles his eyebrows suggestively and smirks at Isak. Isak’s eyes widen.

“Should I?” he whispers, scared to hear Even’s answer. “Should I have a crush, I mean?”

“What? No, of course not, you’re, what, twelve. I just thought you meant that,” Even says and shrugs slightly.

“Good. Because that’s the thing: I have never had a crush on a girl and I feel like a baby or something. I haven’t even kissed anyone yet and I feel like I’m‒ like there’s something wrong with me because Jonas talks about girls, like, all the time and‒ and‒”

“Shh, calm down,” Even cuts Isak’s little rant off and reaches out for his hand. His thumb starts stroking the back of Isak’s hand and Isak can’t help but feel a bit calmer. He doesn’t know what it is about Even’s steady presence beside him but for a moment he doesn’t feel like there’s something wrong with him.

“Relax, Isak,” Even continues, “I’ve got you.” The tiniest smile tugs on Isak’s lips and he’s not even sure if Even’s going to see his smile since it’s getting dark in the room. However, there’s enough light for Isak to see Even’s facial expression turn into something he can’t read.

“You know, I have kissed a few people in my lifetime since I am, you know, two years older and mature and whatnot, so, like, if you really want to be able to tell your new best buddy Jonas that you’re not‒ that you have kissed someone before, I could, you know, like, kiss you,” Even says while staring intensely at Isak. Isak doesn’t know what to say but his whole body is reacting ‒ he can feel a hot blush on his cheeks and neck and there are definitely some butterflies flying in his stomach. He feels too shy to face Even’s stare for longer than a few seconds at a time so his eyes keep meeting the intense blue eyes fixated on him and then glancing around Even’s darkening room.

“Only if you want to, though,” he hears Even whisper and at that, his head snaps up and he looks into Even’s piercing blue eyes. After a whole ten seconds of them staring at each other Isak nods. It’s a small movement and he’s scared that Even didn’t catch it because that would mean he would have to do it again ‒ he’s not sure he could because the first time took all courage out of him. He doesn’t quite understand why his body is reacting like this is bigger than anything in this world but it’s convincing his mind that this is a huge deal.

“Should I just‒ should I just…?” Even trails off and Isak can see a smile on his face.

“Kiss me?” Isak doesn’t know if the two words he breathes out are a question, a request or just him trying to offer Even a way to end his sentence but whatever it is, it results in Even shuffling a bit awkwardly closer to him and suddenly he feels Even’s hand on his ‒ still blushing and hot ‒ cheek. And then Even is closing the distance between their heads until their foreheads are pressed together and his stare feels too intense for Isak to handle from this proximity. For a hot second they share the same breath.

Then, very slowly, Even’s lips find Isak’s in the darkness.

Isak doesn’t know what to do so he just lets Even lead the way. It’s the softest kiss Isak could ever imagine and his hand finds its way on top of Even’s hand, still cupping his cheek.

Isak doesn’t know how long they stay like that, lips pressed against each other, fingers loosely intertwined atop Isak’s face, surrounded by the night. It feels like a lifetime, it feels like a small infinity wrapped around them and held them tightly. Isak can’t believe kissing someone can feel like this, like it’s everything he has ever needed to breathe properly, like oxygen. It spreads a familiar warm feeling inside him.

When Even breaks the kiss and retreats from Isak, Isak’s lips still tingle with electricity. His hand is still on Even’s and Even turns his hand around so that they can properly intertwine their fingers and hold hands. They stay quiet for another small infinity just looking at each other. Isak doesn’t feel uncomfortable under Even’s gaze ‒ quite the opposite, actually.

“Well, now you can tell Jonas ‒ and with good conscience ‒ that you have experience in kissing,” Even breaks the silence with a grin, looking like he’s proud of himself. Isak breathes out a incredulous laugh; he’s still a bit dazed about the kiss.

“Yeah, but, like, who do I say my kiss was with?” he asks.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, like, I can’t go around and tell people the only kiss I have ever had was with a boy, now can I?” Isak rolls his eyes like it’s the most obvious thing. He sees Even narrow his eyes the tiniest bit but he's still sporting a smile.

“Why not?”

“Because I’m‒ I’m not into guys. And I don’t want people to think that I am, you know?” Isak whispers and looks at his hand that’s still in Even’s hand. He bites his lower lip and thinks if he should let go but decides not to. Them holding hands has never been weird before ‒ why would it be weird now? Even seems to disagree with Isak’s thoughts because he lets go of Isak’s hand. Isak’s eyes snap up to look into Even’s eyes, not knowing what to say.

“Isak, I know you’re still young and all but that makes it sound like you think there’s something wrong with being gay and that’s not‒ that isn’t good,” Even says with a calm, steady voice and Isak realizes his grin is long gone. His expression is serious, eyebrows furrowed and eyes watching every move Isak makes. Now ‒ now it feels uncomfortable. Isak feels embarrassment heating his blushing cheeks and he has to look away from Even.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that,” Isak says, turning to lie on his back and staring at the ceiling.

“Yeah, I know that, it’s just that… It’s not okay to be, you know, homophobic or anything,” Even says, still patient, and Isak feels his stare on him. It bothers him so he has to sneak a glance towards Even and he’s relieved to find Even smiling again. It’s not a huge, shining grin that reaches his eyes but it’s still a smile, indicating that he isn’t mad at Isak.

“I guess I’m just too young and ignorant,” Isak tries to joke but then turns serious. “But I’m so glad to have you as a mentor.” Even’s smile grows in an instant.

“Well, I do have to pass my wisdom to someone, so,” he says and Isak’s glad that the tension between them has now been broken. He hates to be uncomfortable around Even and the odd times when there is tension just kill him inside a little.

“Thanks, though,” he says and turns on his side so he can look properly at Even again. Even looks confused so he continues, “for everything.”

Even brings his hand back to Isak’s cheek. “You’re more than welcome, my little baby who needs mentoring in life.” Isak groans at that and pushes Even’s hand away. He just grabs Isak’s hand instead.

“No, but seriously, about Jonas. You mentioned something about him knowing how to skateboard..?” Even changes the subject and Isak feels grateful. Even always knows how to make Isak feel better even when Isak feels ashamed and not deserving.

When he starts to talk about Jonas again he can feel the excited spark in his eyes. It doesn’t dim until they’re both drifting off to sleep, still lying beside each other with intertwined fingers.


	2. the suffering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have had a rough week at work and i wasn't able to write, well, anything. thankfully i had written a rough draft beforehand but it was still difficult to write and edit this chapter and tbh i still feel kinda insecure about it.
> 
> but i really hope it'll be worth the wait and i hope from the bottom of my heart that i'll be able to get the next chapter out before, like, next week.
> 
> and – thank you for all of your kudos and comments, they mean a lot to me! <3

**_thirteen and fifteen_ **

“Even!” Isak cries out at the sight of his best friend sitting on the hospital bed. Even raises his head at the sound and when their eyes meet, a small, tired smile spreads on his face. Isak is out of breath after running up a few flights of stairs to reach the room Even’s parents told Even was in. The phone call had been something out of Isak’s nightmares – Even’s mother didn’t usually call Isak unless it was something serious so when he had seen the name of the caller he had dropped everything he was doing.

Even’s mother explained to him that Even has been hospitalized but that it should be Even who would tell Isak the reasons behind it, if he wanted to. So that leaves Isak confused and panicking but relieved to see Even in one piece. He doesn’t even spare a thought to Even’s parents when they leave the room to go outside to talk to Isak’s parents who had brought him here when he lunges forward and hugs Even tighter than he has ever hugged anyone. Even hugs back – if not as tight as Isak then it has to be tighter.

“I’m sorry,” Isak hears Even mumble to his hair. He pushes Even at an arm’s length of himself so he can look the older boy in the eyes, still holding onto his shoulders.

“I was so scared, what happened?” he asks, trying to find answers in Even’s eyes. He feels Even slump down a bit under his grip so he lets go and sits on the chair beside the bed, still staring at Even. He’s scared that if he stops staring Even’s going to disappear. Even just sighs and looks exhausted – Isak has never seen such exhaustion on his best friend’s face before and it’s terrifying.

“I’m– I have to tell you something,” Even mumbles and reaches his hand out for Isak to grab. Isak takes his hand happily, starting to draw small, soothing patterns on it absent-mindedly, still staring at his face. Even has his full attention, nothing matters outside of them at this moment.

“Yeah? You can tell me anything,” Isak whispers and Even glances at him, looking scared. “Even, whatever it is, I’m here.” Isak can’t stand the thought of Even being afraid to tell him something. They tell everything to each other – once they realised their secrets and thoughts were easier to carry when shared they have started to share everything with each other.

Even takes a few deep breaths while staring at his other hand lying in his lap. “I’m bipolar. I was hospitalized because I had a, um, a manic episode.” His voice is barely audible and he sounds so broken it makes Isak want to cry. He has heard of bipolar disorder before but he doesn’t completely know what it means. He doesn’t know what to say or what he should say – he just stares at Even with slightly furrowed brows.

When he doesn’t respond, Even dares another cautious glance towards him. Isak can see the fear behind his eyes, he can see how tired and sad Even is. He just doesn’t know what to say and it kills him. It kills him that he has never seen Even cry out of pain or sorrow before but now there are tears in his eyes. Isak decides he has to do _something_ and reaches his free hand to wipe the tears away when they fall silently on Even’s cheeks.

“Relax,” Isak whispers, almost on the verge of tears himself, “I’ve got you.”

It has always been Even who has said the words but now Isak feels like he should offer them for Even. It works – Even smiles at him even though it’s the smallest tug on his lips. Isak’s still glad. “I don’t really know anything of bipolar disorder but I’ll do my research,” Isak says and earns another ghost of a smile from Even. “I’m here for you, Even. I’ll always be here for you.” He feels like he has never meant anything as much as he means these words and he hopes Even understands how much he actually cares about him.

“Thank you,” Even says and Isak gets up from his chair and sits next to Even on the bed. He’s still holding one of Even’s hands in his when he cups Even’s face with the other one, making Even look him in the eyes.

“You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, Even”, he confesses and before really thinking about it he kisses Even’s cheek. It just feels right in the moment and when Even smiles a bit wider, he knows the small peck was worth it. He wouldn’t trade Even’s happiness for anything.

After Even gets out of the hospital he starts to fall into a depressive episode. During one sleepless night, Isak does his research to understand better what bipolar means for Even – he reads dozens of articles, blog posts and stories bipolar people have written about their experiences. He isn’t afraid to ask Even questions and Even gives him his answers – until he stops answering Isak’s messages completely. Isak knows he shouldn’t be selfish but it still stings when Even doesn’t want to spend time with him or answer his messages. He knows nothing has changed between them after Even’s diagnosis but still, a part of him feels insecure and is terrified of losing Even. So one day, he decides to visit Even. He wants to see his face, hear his voice and feel his touch and he doesn’t care of selfish that might make him. He just needs to see Even, to hear that he’s alright.

When he arrives at the Bech Næsheim’s house every nervous thought in his mind disappears. Even’s mother opens the door and tells Isak Even’s in his room sleeping and with each step gettin him closer to Even’s room he feels more relaxed. It’s the effect Even has on him – he has always been a steady, calm presence next to Isak. Isak feels a bit foolish about his thoughts of losing Even now that he’s standing behind his door. He takes a moment for himself to breathe before he knocks on the door softly and steps inside. The room is dark, curtains closed and he can see Even lying on the bed, his back against the door. The sight of Even warms Isak’s heart and he closes the door quietly after him.

Even doesn’t react to Isak arriving so he decides to just sit on the bed next to Even. He reaches his hand out carefully and lands his fingers gently on Even’s arm and starts to draw irregular patterns on the warm skin. His touch has never been as gentle and careful as it is now but he still hears Even’s breath hitch slightly when his fingers sweep across his skin in the right way. Isak smiles down at Even, feeling peaceful as he watches him just lie there. He knows Even’s thoughts aren’t as quiet as he seems to be on the outside and he wishes he could do something but he doesn’t know how. For now, he settles on caressing Even’s arm, not knowing what else to do.

They stay like that for several minutes before Even turns around slowly so that he faces Isak. He looks even more tired than he did at the hospital and Isak’s hand reaches automatically to gently sweep his fingers on the dark skin under Even’s eyes. Even just stares at Isak when he pulls his hand back and starts to draw small circles on Even’s arm again. “Lie down with me?” Even murmurs then, voice rough and hoarse. Isak almost misses it – it takes him a second to register Even’s request but then he obliges eagerly.

“I’m sorry,” Even mumbles, “I hate to be a burden for you.” Isak’s fingers move to caress his cheek and play with his hair, touch still gentle as ever. He narrows his eyes at Even, not sure if Even is able to see it in the dark.

“You’re not a burden,” Isak says as he traces Even’s eyebrow with his finger. Even just keeps staring at him.

“I hate that you feel like you have to look after me.”

“Even?” Isak asks. Even makes an incoherent noise to make it clear he has acknowledged Isak. “I don’t feel like I have to look after you. I’m just here to keep company to my favourite hipster who isn’t feeling that well at the moment.” Isak smiles at Even, hoping he is convincing enough. Even doesn’t respond, eyes still boring into Isak’s.

“And, okay– can I tell you a secret?” Isak decides to go for it. He wants to do everything he can to make Even feel even a little better, to make Even understand that he truly enjoys his company and is in no way feeling forced to be there with him.

“Always,” Even answers and maybe Isak is reading too much into Even’s tiniest changes in his expressions but he at least hopes there’s a tiny smile somewhere in his blue eyes which are swimming in sorrow.

“You’re not only my favourite hipster but, like, my favourite person,” Isak confesses, “probably ever.”

This time Isak’s sure some of the sorrow is replaced by a small flicker of hope, of happiness, of fondness. Even looks so tiny under his blanket, face half-smushed into his pillow and Isak feels like he shrinks even more when Isak’s words hit him. Even brings his hand from under the covers and threads his fingers around Isak’s which are still drawing small patterns onto his skin. Isak lets Even take his hand, lets Even guide it under his covers and over his chest. Isak can feel his pulse under their hands, Even’s steady heartbeat being the only thing that matters right now. Isak feels so lucky to be able to lie there next to Even with their joined hands over Even’s very much beating heart. Even is alive and Isak is thankful.

They keep the position for the rest of the evening, Isak lets Even keep his hand even when Even starts to drift off to sleep, eyes closing and every muscle relaxing. Isak just watches him sleep, hoping the dreams he sees are as nice as Even deserves them to be – and Isak thinks Even deserves all the happiness and kindness in this world. He doesn’t know how long Even sleeps but he lets him get all the rest his boy needs, completely content just lying there and watching Even and breathing him in.

Some time during the night Even wakes up but neither of them say anything. Isak squeezes Even’s hand when their eyes meet.

“Do you want to hear a secret?” Even asks quietly, breaking the comfortable silence around them. Isak just nods, happy to hear about Even’s thoughts whatever they might be.

Even breathes in and when he exhales the air tickles Isak’s skin. “I think I might be falling in love,” Even says and Isak freezes. “Her name is Sonja and we’ve been friends for a while now but she has been there for me during these last few weeks, even visited a couple of  times and– gotten me through these days. And she didn’t run away when I told her about– about this.” Isak is still speechless but he smiles. Something doesn’t feel right in his chest and his head is spinning but he smiles. He wants Even to know he’s happy for him but no words come out.

“I think you’d like her. And I would love for you to meet, the two most important people in my life,” Even continues. His voice is still a bit hoarse since he hasn’t probably used it in a while but it’s getting stronger with every word. Isak tries to swallow around the lump in his throat.

“Yeah, that’d be nice,” is all he can get out but it’s enough for a small smile to spread on Even’s chapped lips.

Soon after that they both fall asleep, Isak’s hand still holding Even’s, pressed against Even’s steady heartbeat.

––

**_fourteen and sixteen_ **

Isak can’t believe his tired eyes. It’s 1am and he’s staring at the vibrating phone in his hand, the screen showing him the name _Even_ in white letters. It’s been a little over a year since he has seen Even and eight months since he has talked to him. Isak doesn’t quite know what it was that had them drift apart – it wasn’t a huge, emotional fallout between them, just life getting between two boys who once meant everything to each other. Even started spending time with Sonja and Isak became tight friends with both Jonas and his girlfriend Eva.

But now, Even is calling Isak at one in the morning on a school night. Isak has been awake since getting up in the morning and he knows he can’t sleep since his head is spinning with thoughts about the situation his family is in – it’s a lot of stress and even though he tries to come up with solutions to it every night, nothing seems to be helping. His parents have been going through a rough patch because of his mother’s mental state and his father is projecting that on him. Isak doesn’t want to make things even worse so he just stays quiet and locks himself in his room, hoping his parents will make it through. Now, though, all the thoughts about his parents are gone and replaced by only one thought running through his head: why is Even awake at this hour and more importantly, why is he calling Isak of all people? A slight sense of panic is starts to settle in Isak’s stomach as he presses the green button and holds the phone to his ear.

“Isak?” he hears Even breathe out on the other end before he can say anything. A small smile spreads on Isak’s lips as he hears the safest and most familiar voice he can imagine.

“Yeah, Even?” he whispers back, still too afraid of what’s on Even’s mind to properly answer. He’s scared that something has happened – he let his and Even’s friendship fade away only a year after he had promised to be there for him no matter what at the hospital. He doesn’t know why he let that happen but he makes a silent promise to himself to never forgive himself if something has happened to Even.

“Isak!” Even exhales his name excitedly. “I thought you’d be sleeping but I’m kinda glad you aren’t.” Isak furrows his brows in slight confusion.

“Okay? What’s up, Even?” he asks, still confused. For a while the only thing he can hear from the other end is slow, steady breathing as Even tries to think about what to say.

Then he hears Even let out a heavy exhale. “I– I just broke up with Sonja,” he says. His voice is small and he sounds so vulnerable and tired that Isak wants nothing more than to hug the hurt out of him. “And… I didn’t know who else I could call. I’m really sorry if I woke you up or if this is weird– –”

“No, no, it’s okay,” Isak interrupts Even’s attempted apologize. “Really, don’t worry about it.” Another deep exhale on the other end of the line.

“I just didn’t know what else to do,” Even says, “I miss you so much and I’m kinda drunk and high and sad and I’m just sitting here–”

Isak knows Even is still rambling on but he can’t concentrate on anything he’s saying because Even’s words are so slurred together – the fact that Even said he has missed Isak has absolutely nothing to do with Isak’s sudden lack of being able to concentrate, no. It definitely didn’t spread a warm, tingling feeling through Isak’s body and make everything else meaningless at this moment. Isak has to shake his head to get the dumb smile from his face. It feels so good to hear Even’s voice after all this time even though the voice is weak, drunk, and still going on in the background of Isak’s thoughts.

“Isak? You still with me?” Even asks and snaps Isak out of his thoughts.

“Yeah, I’m sorry,” he says embarrassed, a pink heat spreading on his cheeks.

“No, I’m sorry, you’re probably tired and you have school tomorrow and I’m here bothering you with my relationship issues,” Even goes on and on, clueless about Isak having a quiet meltdown on the other end of the line and still a bit lost in his thoughts. Isak has never been happier to be having a conversation over the phone rather than face to face than now.

“It’s fine, Even,” he assures Even. “You know I’m always here for you, right?” It hurts him to say that considering he hasn’t done anything in the past eight months to support his childhood best friend even though he has made a promise about it. Guilt is silently digging its way through his thoughts but he tries to silence the thoughts completely. He just hopes Even knows that no matter how much time passes, he can always count on Isak.

“Thank you,” Even slurs and the line goes quiet for a while. Isak doesn’t know what to say so he just waits until– “Wait, why are _you_ awake at one in the morning?”

Isak sighs and hopes Even can’t hear it or is too drunk to comprehend that it was a tired sigh. “It’s– it’s just stress, I guess,” Isak manages to answer. He doesn’t want to bother Even about his family issues since he knows Even has his own problems, too. Besides, Even is drunk and heartbroken so it wouldn’t be okay for him to unload his problems on him. The problems he hasn’t even told Jonas – the person he spends most of his time with – about.

“Okay, well, relax then, because I’ve got you.” Isak can hear Even chuckling. “I always got you, Isak.”

A huge, slightly relieved grin spreads on Isak’s face. He feels like laughing and crying at the same time, it just feels so good to hear those words from Even. Even though he is drunk, high, and sad at the same time, Isak knows Even wouldn’t say those words without meaning them at least a little. The words matter so much at this very moment for Isak since he feels the heavy guilt burning in his gut ‒ he has been really afraid of losing Even with the lack of their communication and while he knows friendships are a two-way street, _he_ made the promise at the hospital, not Even. He’s terrified that Even has forgotten about him during these past months because they haven’t talked or kept in touch whatsoever. _But your friendship has been through heaven and hell before, too,_ a small voice inside his head interrupts Isak’s guilt-ridden thoughts.

And the thing is ‒ Isak knows that. He knows Even has been the best friend he has ever had. His friendships with other people are nothing compared to the bond between him and Even ‒ not even the magical bro-bond between him and Jonas stands a chance against the warm, soft feeling deep down Isak’s stomach when he hears Even’s voice or gets to see his face. Isak sighs, thinking it has to be the fact that he has been friends with Even since they were kids and they have grown up together to be two pieces of an inseparable duo. He has to actively silence the voice which whispers that they, in fact, have been separated for a few months now, on the contrary to his previous thought.

They end up talking for two hours about everything on their minds ‒ about what has happened during the eight months of radio silence and how things are looking now. Isak doesn’t have much to tell Even so he tells briefly about Jonas and Eva and what the three of them have been up to. He doesn’t open up the small box inside his mind that contains the fears, tears and hopes about his family. He doesn’t open up about the guilt boiling inside him, he doesn’t tell Even how scared he is of losing him. He just lies on his bed and listens to Even talking about “one of the greatest years in his life” with Sonja and his new friends in high school. Even tells him about all the films they make with his friends and how happy his mom is now that after his parents got divorced, she has found herself a new partner.

When the conversation lulls to an end Isak can sense that the mood of the conversation changes. The friendly banter between them is gone for the time being. He hears Even sigh and he can practically hear him thinking about what to say next ‒ or how to say the things on his mind. He lets Even think, he doesn’t want to rush him or say the wrong thing.

Then, after almost two minutes of complete silence, Even starts talking. He tells Isak about his mental state and how he has had a bit trouble finding the right therapist and medication. He tells Isak that he’s doing well at the moment but people around him are still tip-toeing around him and how much it annoys him. “I feel like everyone is monitoring me, and, like, everything I do is a symptom or a sign of an episode,” Even says, sounding so tired it makes Isak’s chest ache.

“But they can’t feel what you feel,” Isak whispers. He is nowhere near understanding what Even feels like, so he offers him just that. A comfort that the people who monitor Even do not know what’s going on inside Even’s head ‒ and shouldn’t make assumptions based on every small detail in his life or on every single decision he makes.

Isak can hear Even huff out a laugh ‒ it’s a soft noise. “Yeah, you’re right. And it’s just so annoying when people just… assume I’m having an episode because, I don’t know, I want to break up with my girlfriend because I feel like she’s carefully watching every step I take and it feels suffocating,” Even says in one breath. Silence falls between them, it’s not uncomfortable but Isak feels like Even doesn’t want to continue the conversation anymore.

“But I’m really glad that you’re feeling well at the moment,” he says quietly, changing the subject as smoothly as he can. He isn’t exactly lying when he says he’s glad – it’s more of an understatement than anything. The fact that Even is fine means the world to him, knowing Even is okay puts something inside of him at ease, makes his thoughts run a bit slower. He isn’t glad, he’s fucking ecstatic.

There’s a smile in Even’s voice when he responds “I’m really glad I called you”. Isak nods to himself – he’s glad that Even called him, too, even if he doesn’t address it out loud. And a small part of him, a part he didn’t really know existed, is kind of glad that Even broke up with Sonja – which is also a thought he’s never going to vocalize.

The thing is, Isak doesn’t know what it is about Sonja that bothers him. Whatever the reason, a part of him definitely felt sad or – Isak doesn’t dare to name the feeling jealousy. But he absolutely thinks Even should have spent the past year by his side, or more that he should have spent his year by Even’s side. He feels a little dumb because he isn’t going to get the past year back but he still hopes to be able to turn back time and fix the fallout between them.

His brain is still filled with regret and guilt when he falls asleep, still holding his phone close to his ear. The conversation has died a while ago – just like their friendship had: fading away slowly until neither of them make the effort to talk.

When he wakes up a few hours later to his alarm he has no memory of hanging up. He just remembers the selfish thoughts of listening to Even talk just for a few more minutes. Isak knows he shouldn’t have kept Even up since it’s not okay for him to purposely try to fuck up Even’s set schedule but after so long it had felt wrong to deny the pleasure of hearing the safest voice he knows just for a bit more. Besides, Isak was ready to end the call when Even had made his way home but it was Even who insisted on keeping the conversation going – and who was Isak to refuse when every single cell in his body ached for Even’s voice, quiet and low laughs, and even the smallest sighs.

During the afternoon Isak makes the mistake and checks his Instagram feed only to find a picture of Even smiling, his arm around Sonja, who still looks as gorgeous as ever, lips on her cheek. The caption does things to Isak’s heart when he reads “communication is the key” with a red heart emoji. He tells his heart he’s just happy to see his best friend in the entire universe – and hopefully in all the other universes out there, too – happy and back together with the girl he has had such a great time with. The girl who actually has stood by his best friend’s side while he hasn’t. He tells himself it’s good to see Even around people who care about him and who want the best for him. His heart doesn’t listen.

When Even calls him a few days later he doesn’t answer. He takes a deep breath and turns his phone upside down so he doesn’t have to watch Even’s messages come in, lighting the screen. Isak lies back on his bed, constantly reminding himself that the most important thing to him is the fact that Even is out there, feeling well.

His phone keeps buzzing beside him so he decides to type out a lazy answer to Even’s messages and after a while, the buzzing stops and doesn’t come back.

––

**_sixteen and eighteen_ **

Nothing makes sense and everything hurts.

Usually Isak’s struggles don’t reach his home, they stay at school where he can shut them out by concentrating on facts and studies, science and interesting topics they have to go through. He has become the master of shutting his feelings down at school since he has done it ever since he realised the feelings of jealousy he gets every time he sees Jonas with Eva aren’t just purely platonic. And all the rather awkward situations he has found himself in during the last few months which have involved seeing Jonas’ half naked body and just staring at it, hoping Jonas wouldn’t realise, just wanting to kiss the curly haired boy. It has been a rough path for him to admit to himself that maybe, just maybe, the affection he feels for his best friend might be something more than just pure, innocent friendship.

But now, the struggles have followed him home as well. Isak knows the past years have been rough at home but his issues have never been anything he hasn’t been able to handle by locking himself into his room and numbing his thoughts and fears with countless of hours of tv series and games. Now, though, his dad has left. He has left and Isak is all alone with his mum whose mental state has recently taken a swing for the worse. His dad’s reasons still echo around his thoughts and hearing his dad yell about how “tired he is with this shit” and “he just can’t do this anymore” over and over again in his head is making Isak’s vision blurry and head ache.

What makes his issues even worse is the fact that he has no one to talk to about his thoughts and feelings. Not that he feels like he is ready to tell anyone about the particular feelings he has towards Jonas but the thought of having no one to turn to when everything feels like falling apart around him is piercing his soul and tiring his mind. He has tried to keep his distance with Jonas since he doesn’t want to do something stupid that would end up hurting everyone involved, like, messing with their relationship – he’d be lying if he said he hasn’t thought about it several times but he has never gone through with it. His new friends, Mahdi and Magnus, are not realistic options either when it comes to venting about his problems since the mess of feelings he has towards Jonas is something he wouldn’t want to discuss with, well, anyone at this point. Especially not with the two guys his whole social circle is based on.

That’s how Isak finds himself on his bed with his laptop in his lap, searching for Even on every social media he knows Even has. Or used to have. Nothing comes up on any platform he tries to search on and something about the complete lack of social media unnerves Isak. As a last resort he tries to google him and he finds a video called “intervju med Even Bech Næsheim” and it stars none other than Isak’s Even and someone called Mikael – probably one of Even’s friends he talked about over the phone almost two years ago, Isak thinks. He watches the video once, twice, maybe three times, before his heart hurts too much for him to handle. He puts his laptop beside him and just stares at the ceiling for what feels like an eternity. The only thought occupying his head is that he misses Even. A lot.

He doesn’t know what drives him to do it but after lying on his bed contemplating life for god knows how long he takes his phone out of his pocket and searches the right contact before pressing the call button. He’s more than nervous – what if Even doesn’t answer? Or – what if he answers but he’s angry at Isak, or even hurt? What if Even doesn’t want anything to do with him––

“Isak,” Even answers on the third ring. Even sounds surprised but – Isak dares to think he also sounds happy. It feels so good to hear Even’s voice in the middle of the mess that Isak’s life is at the moment. He can already feel the tears building up and burning his eyes, trying to overflow and leave Isak a sobbing mess. He tries his everything to prevent that form happening.

“Even, I’m sorry I’m calling you but––”

“No, Isak, never apologize for calling me. I’m glad you called,” Even is the one interrupting Isak’s apology this time. “What’s on your mind, you don’t sound well?”

Isak exhales a nervous laugh because he didn’t remember how perceptive Even is about him and his mood, how he has always been like that, reading him like an open book.

“I’m– I don’t know. Everything’s just so… confusing at the moment,” Isak admits in a small voice. It’s around 11pm and he knows his mother is asleep in the next room to his, so he tries to stay as quiet as he can.

“What’s wrong?” Even asks. Isak doesn’t know what to answer or where to even begin. He’s starting to regret his rash decision of calling Even already. He’s not even sure why he called in the first place – is he going to open up about everything that is going on in his life? Is he ready for that? Is he ready to tell everything to the one person he cares about so much but at the same time he hasn’t contacted in such a long time. The person who sounds so worried on the other end of the line that Isak can feel it in the bottom of his stomach.

After a complete minute of silence and Isak thinking about what to say and just breathing, Even asks: “Do you want to come over? I’m alone and have week. If you smoke, that is. Or if you just, I don’t know, need someone to talk to.”

That’s when Isak’s tears start to fall. He hasn’t cried about any of his problems – or he has never let anyone be aware of the fact that he is crying, at least. Now, though, tears are streaming down his face and he knows Even can hear him sobbing but he doesn’t care. He’s too tired to care.

“Hey, Isak. Isak, it’s okay,” Even says quietly, “relax, I’ve got you.”

Isak can’t help but smile through his tears. “If it’s okay, I could probably use some company right now,” he whispers, hoping Even doesn’t take his offer back.

“Yeah, of course, come over. I’ll be here waiting for you,” Even says before they hang up and Isak gets up from his bed, wiping his face on his hoodie’s sleeve. He gets out of his room and peeks inside his mother’s room to make sure she’s still asleep. He sighs at the sight of his mother sleeping peacefully, whispers a “good night, mum”, and closes the door, careful not to make a sound. He takes a deep breath behind the closed door and leaves the house.

The bike ride to Even’s house is a nostalgic one since Isak has bike there so many times during his life – especially the first six years of knowing Even. The whole ride consists of Isak trying his hardest not to let his tears overflow, to keep them under control, but as soon as he sees Even leaning against the doorframe, waiting for him, his vision becomes blurry. The sight of Even standing there is like a punch to his gut. It’s been so long since he has seen Even in real life, seen his blond quiff and piercing blue eyes – the first thought that comes to his mind is the fact that Even looks good and mature. The second thought, however, makes Isak feel physically nauseous and pushes every single other thought aside. His mind entertains the thought that they have had such a tight friendship but now, now they have basically nothing while Isak lets his bike fall down to the ground and just stares at Even.

His thoughts are interrupted by Even who walks to him and envelops him in a warm, tight hug. Even has always been taller than Isak and even though Isak has grown quite a bit, Even is still towering over him. Isak hasn’t felt as safe in a long time as he does leaning against Even’s chest, his arms holding him and chin propped on top of his mop of curls. Isak lets his tears wet Even’s shirt because he knows Even doesn’t mind. Even just holds him a little tighter as he wraps his own arms around Even’s middle.

They stand a good few minutes in the cold outside until Isak’s shaking them both – a part of it is from the cold temperature but a part of it is definitely because of Isak’s sobbing that’s getting louder and uglier by the minute, Isak not being able to control himself. He doesn’t know how to stop now that the waterfalls have started to fall but right in this moment he doesn’t care. Nothing matters except for Even, still holding him. Even has him. He isn’t alone.

After moving inside the house and lighting a joint between them the night goes by quickly. Isak lets everything out, telling Even about the situation he has found himself in at home; he tells him about his father leaving his mother and the reasons behind his father’s decisions. Even offers him the emotional support he didn’t know he needed – Even is so understanding and supportive it breaks his heart a little that he hasn’t been there when Even has needed him. The familiar guilt is snaking its way back to Isak’s thoughts as he watches Even watch him.

“Hey, by the way,” Isak feels the buzz from the joint so he dares to ask, “what happened with all of your social media?”

Even though Isak is as high as he is he doesn’t miss the slight change in Even’s expression. He thinks he sees a glimpse of pain and sorrow float across Even’s face before the neutral expression is back. He hates the fact that there’s a wall between them, that they aren’t able to confess everything on their minds to each other anymore. He hates himself for the fact.

“Yeah, no… It was just– it was a lot of stress,” Even says, voice barely audible. “I had to take a break from social media.”

Isak furrows his eyebrows in confusion and waits for Even to elaborate. He doesn’t, though, so Isak puts one plus one together in his mind – still high as fuck – and thinks to himself that the break has to have something to do with Even’s bipolar. It was their thing back in the day to use the code word _stress_ for Even not feeling well due to his bipolar. Isak doesn’t push the conversation because he understands how hard it can be to talk about the past to someone who hasn’t been there for you when you’ve needed the the most. Isak has to look down to his lap when he feels tears building up again.

After collecting his thoughts and making sure his voice doesn’t break he decides to change the subject. “I dated this girl Sara for a few weeks,” he says without really thinking about it, just filling the silence between them. Even hums and offers the remains of the joint to Isak who gladly takes the joint. Their knuckles brush lightly against each other, sending bolts of electric tingles up Isak’s arm. Isak brushes the feeling off as a by-product of being high of his mind.

Even’s voice brings him back to this moment. “What’s she like? Is she nice?” Even asks, not sounding too involved in the topic. Isak’s face scrunches up when he thinks about his relationship with Sara.

“Nah, not really, to be completely honest,” he huffs out a laugh and shakes his head. “She was pretty terrible, actually.”

“And you dated her? Wow, I wonder what you were after,” Even waggles his eyebrows at Isak suggestively. Isak feels his cheeks heat up with embarrassment. On the contrary to popular belief, he and Sara never did anything too sexual, besides making out. At the time Isak had started to question the feelings he has towards Jonas and everything had felt quite pointless with Sara.

“I didn’t– we didn’t…” Isak tries to say the words out loud. He isn’t sure why he wants Even to know the details of his past relationship but there’s no going back now. The fact that someone might know he couldn’t get it up with Sara isn’t as terrifying as he has always thought when the someone is Even. It feels relieving in a way, not having to put up a front.

When he can’t get the words out Even just nods and lies back on his bed. They have been sitting on Even’s bed for a while now, smoking and looking at each other. Isak has tried to drink Even up, trying to fill the hole in his chest, aching for Even and his comfort. Now that they’re high and the joint is all burned up, Isak lies down next to Even. While he’s changing his position his eyes catch a glimpse of the clock of Even’s bedside table – it says 4.06 in big red numbers. Isak can’t help but feel slightly baffled about time flowing by so fast while catching up with Even and opening up about his problems, laying his anxieties on the ground by Even’s feet, letting him see every single part of him. Letting his guard down for the first time in ages.

“How are you and Sonja, then?” Isak asks, not because he really wants to hear about Sonja but more to fill the silence. The silence between them isn’t uncomfortable or awkward at all, but Isak doesn’t want to spend another minute of his life not listening to Even’s voice when he has made the mistake of letting that privilege go for so many years.

He looks at Even but he isn’t looking back – he’s lying on his back, looking at the ceiling. “We’re good, I guess,” Even answers and keeps staring at the ceiling. “We’ve been through a lot.” Isak doesn’t really know what to take from the answer but a part of him feels like it’s an attack towards him since he hasn’t been by Even’s side through the years. The part that thinks Even’s answer as an accusation is fortunately quieter than the part of him which knows Even would never accuse or guilt him like that.

Isak keeps his mouth shut and instead of begging for forgiveness he just watches Even in the darkness of the room. Even still isn’t looking back so he feels brave enough to look at Even properly. Even looks so soft and warm in his hoodie, hair falling softly on his forehead. His arms are loosely on top of his stomach and Isak feels the urge to reach out and take his hand, just like they used to do when they were smaller. He doesn’t act on the urge, though, feeling like it’d be weird after all the years they have missed.

“I’m sorry I haven’t kept in touch,” Even whispers as though he has read Isak’s thoughts. He turns his face so that he’s facing Isak, only a few centimeters apart from Isak’s face. He looks so sincere and sorry Isak can feel it in his bones.

“I’m sorry, too,” Isak whispers back.

For a while they just lie there, looking into each other’s eyes. It could be seconds, minutes or hours but for a moment, Isak gets lost in the blue of Even’s eyes. He hasn’t felt as peaceful, content and safe as he feels at this moment in such a long time. That’s probably why he decides to whisper his confession to Even at 4.21 on a Saturday morning while lying together on the bed they used to have sleepovers years ago.

“I think I might not be into girls.”

Silence.

Even just stares at Isak. He doesn’t say a word, his expression doesn’t change – even though Isak feels like he’s quite good at reading Even’s different expressions, he can’t put a name on the one on Even’s face right now. He feels vulnerable and small before Even’s eyes but he doesn’t look away. He has never admitted it out loud before but he knows he can trust Even. Even, his best friend. Even, who won’t judge him or laugh at him. Even – who won’t hurt him.

After a few heavy seconds of silence Even raises his hand and brushes his fingers through Isak’s golden curls, slowly. His hand stops to cup Isak’s face as a smile spreads on his lips.

“I’m so proud of you,” Even whispers into the darkness. A small smile tugs Isak’s lips and he feels like crying again. He feels so relieved to finally have told someone.

“I missed you so much,” Isak says, voice still quiet.

“I missed you, too.”

They fall asleep soon after that, still facing each other. Even’s hand travels down from Isak’s cheek between their bodies where it laces its fingers with Isak’s. Isak squeezes Even’s hand gently, feeling safe and warm before drifting off to sleep. They sleep a few hours, still holding hands, until Isak wakes up and leaves the bed without waking Even up. With a final glance towards Even, still sound asleep, Isak closes the door and ventures out in the cold morning weather.


	3. the healing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter three is here! i told in the comments i'd get this out sooner but then life happened and, well, i had no time to write. but now i'm here to deliver this chapter and i hope you'll enjoy it!!

**_seventeen and nineteen_ **

It takes a year before Isak is forced to face the consequences of him leaving Even that one night. Isak has dreaded the day he has to meet Even again – to meet his blue eyes, swimming in feelings of betrayal and sadness. It has been easier lately for Isak to ignore the burning guilt in the pit of his stomach but now, seeing Even in real life, living his life, feels suffocating. Isak feels nauseous and wants to bail, he doesn’t want to explain himself – he has no explanation. Still, after a year of what he thinks to be one of the worst decisions of his life, is haunting his thoughts and he doesn’t know why he did it. And he fucking loathes himself for running off to the cold, leaving Even once again.

He hasn’t tried to reach out to Even in a year. And to be fair, Even never tried to contact him, either – just complete radio silence from both ends of their friendship, like the night never happened. At this point, Isak’s not even sure it did happen. Isak is just too afraid of Even knowing his deepest and darkest secrets. He is usually so good at keeping his walls up and not letting anyone inside so he doesn’t quite understand what made him let his guard down so completely in front of Even. He let Even see the most private parts of his mind, let him see his naked brain and heart – and he felt so vulnerable. He still feels vulnerable, he feels so small when he looks at the boy who used to be his everything.

It’s not that Isak doesn’t trust his secrets to be safe with Even and he doesn’t exactly regret spilling his heart to Even but – but something bothers his mind. He’s so afraid of everything. He’s afraid of other people knowing him before he’s actually ready to be his truest self. He knows in every single cell in his body that Even would never do that to him – he would never expose Isak’s naked soul to anyone. But Isak can’t help but feel something changed between them irreversibly after he fled. He burdened Even with all of his problems while Even was definitely fighting his own battles, too and he’s – well, he’s ashamed. He dumped everything eating him from the inside on the most important person in his life, the person who suffered enough without him already. He was the one who promised to be there for Even through heaven and hell. He’s been running from his past mistakes ever since he made what he considers to be the biggest one of them all – losing Even.

But now, now he has to face his past. His past is sitting across the school’s cafeteria, doodling something in his sketchbook in full concentration. Isak smiles at the view he has grown so familiar with and he can’t do anything but stare at the boy who now makes him go speechless. The boy – the gorgeous boy with his blond hair styled in a gravity-defying quiff, eyes still so bright and blue it feels like Isak’s drowning in them. He has a jean jacket on and – he must be at least 190 centimeters tall by now. Isak can’t take his eyes off of him. Isak doesn’t how long he just stares at Even, completely ignoring the conversation going around him; some part of his brain acknowledges that Mahdi is telling a story he should be commenting on but he just can’t concentrate on anything besides Even.

And then, the blue eyes meet green. Isak ducks his head down as fast as is physically possible, already feeling the blush rising on his neck and cheeks. He takes a deep breath, hoping none of the guys noticed anything. He sneaks a glance around his boys, relieved to see Jonas and Mahdi staring at Magnus incredulously and probably judging him for something he’s saying at the moment.

“Isak, you’re on my side on this, right?” Magnus asks and nudges Isak’s arm to get his attention. Isak has no idea what they’re debating on and he knows his expression gives him away – he most likely looks like a deer in headlights. He bites his cheeks, debating on whether to just admit to not paying attention or trying to play along. Since he’s not really that excited to tell the guys about the whole situation with Even he decides to go with the latter.

He clears his throat weakly. “Sure, yeah. Absolutely,” he says, hoping he didn’t just agree on something utterly stupid – which might just well be the reality when he sees Jonas’ reaction. He looks like Isak has personally offended him with agreeing to the bullshit Magnus has said.

“What the fuck? Like, I can understand and accept the fact that Mags thinks that it’s weird if a girl has condoms with her at parties since, you know, we have all established that he doesn’t get laid, like, ever,” Magnus makes and offended sound at Jonas, “but you too, Isak?” Oh. Well. Isak’s brain goes into overdrive trying to think of something to say to save himself from this situation. Why didn’t he just go with the option A of telling them straight up he wasn’t listening?

“I think Isak wasn’t even paying attention. Look who’s sitting across from him,” Mahdi observes with a playful smile and Isak freezes before he realizes Mahdi wouldn’t have a clue about who Even is or what he looks like. He’s fairly sure Magnus and Mahdi only know him as his ex-best friend – a thought that kills him inside a little – because he hasn’t really been keen on opening up about the whole mess between them with anyone. Keeping his walls up high, as per usual.

When he turns to look in the direction Mahdi nods at his heart goes cold – Mahdi means Emma. Emma, the girl who tried to go down on him a few weekends ago at a trashy party Isak was dragged to. Emma, the girl he lied to be attracted to. Emma, the girl who still tries to send an occasional text to Isak every now and then. Isak feels kind of bad about leading her on when he has absolutely no interest in going further with her – or any girl at this point if he’s honest. But he feels like he has to, for the sake of his reputation as a smooth, flirty guy who gets anything he wants from anyone he wants. Lately, he has been growing tired of having to keep the act up.

Magnus lets out a high pitched “ha!” and then turns back around to look at Isak. “Well, I’ll accept that as a reason to zone out, she’s hot,” he then says and Jonas groans at him while Mahdi just laughs. Isak rolls his eyes, trying to get a grip of himself.

When the others switch smoothly onto another topic of discussion, Isak dares to glance at Even again. He’s sure the boys won’t notice he can’t get a proper grip of himself since they’re in a deep conversation about Mahdi’s latest hook-up. He would usually say something sarcastic or make fun of the other guys but right now, when he knows Even is  _ right there _ he can’t concentrate enough on the conversation the boys are having in front of him to be his usual, charming self.

But now Even is looking at him. He’s looking back when Isak tries to sneak an inconspicuous glance towards him – and when their eyes lock once again his stomach fills with butterflies. He’s definitely nervous but something about Even’s expression makes this whole thing a bit more bearable. Even isn’t smiling but there are raised eyebrows and expressions that are definitely not showing signs of anger or hurt.

“Isak? What’s up with you today?” Isak hears Jonas ask. His head snaps right back at their direction and he looks around the table to see if Magnus and Mahdi are also looking at him, demanding answers. Fortunately, Magnus is fully engrossed in telling Mahdi about the girl he tried to hook up with last Friday – Isak pretends not to hear him describe the girl’s tongue in too much detail and he most definitely decides to pretend he never heard Magnus use the words “cat’s tongue” and “making out” in the same sentence.

He sighs and turns to face Jonas properly. “Yeah, no, I’m just tired, I guess,” he gives a half-hearted answer, hoping he isn’t too obvious. Unlucky for him, Jonas looks suspicious.

The thing with Jonas is that he knows Isak too well. He knows when he’s lying, he knows when he is leaving something unsaid. He has always been there for Isak – he was there for him when he finally gathered the courage to talk about his family issues, he was there when he moved out to a shared apartment when everything became too much at home, he was there even when he didn’t know why Isak was feeling blue. And Isak is terrified that Jonas will find out the reason for his sadness during the last years – he’s terrified of Jonas finding out about the secret that hasn’t seen daylight since the one time he whispered it out for Even to hear. He’s terrified of Jonas knowing how much he fucked up with Even and how much guilt is stored in his body because of it.

Before Jonas gets to say anything or confront Isak even more, Magnus is demanding his attention, asking his opinion on the cat tongue situation. Isak just hopes Jonas won’t remember this later – that he just drops the whole  _ worrying about Isak _ –thing he has going on at the moment.

When Isak is sure Jonas’ attention is completely off of him, he decides to glance at Even, just one more time. His chest feels empty when he realises Even is already gone.

– –

“So, Isak,” Jonas starts ominously during their free period before their maths class – it’s just the two of them. Isak has to take a deep breath in and prepare himself – Jonas is going to confront him about earlier today, he’s not going to let go before Isak speaks. Isak closes his eyes and counts to three before opening them again and looking at Jonas.

“Hm?” is all the noise he can get out. Jonas looks at him contemplatively before glancing briefly around them, probably to make sure no one is listening.

Then his brown eyes land back on Isak. “You do know that I’m always here for you if you need to, like, talk or something, right?” And, well. That wasn’t exactly what Isak prepared himself to hear.

Isak is so surprised he doesn’t know how to react. He just hums incoherently and nods a couple of times, completely nonchalantly. “Yeah, sure, yeah,” he says when he finds his voice again. He’s staring at his hands resting in his lap, too scared to meet Jonas’ eyes. He’s scared that if he sees the worry in Jonas’ eyes he will say something and – well, he isn’t ready yet.

“Like, whenever you’re ready. I’m here,” Jonas says then, like he read Isak’s thoughts. That catches Isak off guard because he feels frustrated at the words. Or, maybe more frustrated because of himself – because he isn’t ready and he’s always closing himself off, never letting anyone in and that has been pretty fucking tiring over the years when he suffered alone with his own thoughts before he went and opened himself up raw for the one person he once trusted the most.

“It was Even,” he blurts out without really meaning to tell Jonas right away. He lets out a shaky exhale because it’s out there now. He’s going to have to tell the whole story to someone.

“Even, as in your best friend when you were kids?” Jonas is confused. It stings Isak’s head and heart to hear the name Even and the words best friend together in a sentence, especially when it’s coming out of the person’s mouth who he considers to be his current best bro – even though a quiet voice still reminds Isak that nothing has ever compared to the feelings he gets around Even. 

Isak still refuses to look Jonas in the eyes. “Yeah, um, I saw him in the cafeteria earlier,” he confesses to his hands, feeling more nervous than he has in a while. It feels weird to be so flustered around Jonas nowadays when Isak has mostly gotten over his crush on him. Isak can feel Jonas’ eyes on him.

“And, you know, we haven’t seen each other since, like, last year and–” Isak has to take a sharp breath in before he can continue, feeling his heart beating in his chest uncomfortably, “– we didn’t part on very good terms. Uhm, because of me. I mean, I left him without saying a word.” The last sentence is barely audible and the part of Isak that’s aware they’re in the middle of a busy hallway is glad. A part of him is scared that Jonas didn’t hear him. He doesn’t want to repeat one of the two big mistakes he has made in life out loud, it’s just too much.

When Jonas doesn’t say anything Isak is forced to meet his gaze to make sure he heard. He looks confused; his eyebrows are slightly drawn together, mouth a bit open. He looks like he’s thinking about what to say so Isak decides to wait, daring to look at him in the eyes that are clearly trying to read Isak’s every expression.

“Isak. I’ve known you since, what, we were twelve or eleven or something? I know you. And I have known you when you were hanging around Even and when – when you weren’t anymore. Like, I don’t know what the fuck went down between you two when you stopped talking to each other but I know that it made you so fucking sad. You were down all the time.” Jonas’ voice is calm, as it always is, but he’s saying such true words that Isak can’t look him in the eye anymore.

He remembers when they first stopped talking – he felt like someone had stolen his sun away. Everything seemed dimmer and colder. He remembers the feelings he got when Even called him and he remembers the warmth that spread through his veins when they met that one night. Everything suddenly seemed brighter and more bearable. Isak knows Jonas has always been watching him and taking care of him and he knows he wasn’t really subtle about being down at the time – although he hoped Jonas would just brush it off and blamed it on tiredness and then later on the family issues.

“You should talk to him,” Jonas says and his voice is softer than Isak has ever heard it be. “You were inseparable. I know you miss him and whatever it was that you did– it will be okay. Just… talk to him, okay?”

Isak feels his eyes burning with tears but he stills looks up at Jonas. There’s a lump in his throat and he tries to swallow it so he can reply but the look in Jonas’ eyes is filled with so much emotion it makes it impossible.

“I just want you to be happy, Issy.”

And that’s when a few tears escape from the corners of Isak’s eyes. He hasn’t cried in front of Jonas – not even when he told him about his parents. But now, it’s just all too much and Jonas says the words with so much sincerity in his voice Isak can’t handle it. He’s just glad that the hallway is already empty since classes have started – there are only two girls in the other end, minding their own business.

“Thanks, bro.” Isak’s words are nothing but a whisper but Jonas hears them anyway. He smiles at Isak and Isak smiles back. He’s really fucking glad to have someone like Jonas next to him in life.

– –

The four days following Isak and Jonas’ talk go by slowly. Isak keeps seeing Even everywhere at school but he’s always with someone – Magnus and Mahdi don’t know about the situation since Isak’s still not comfortable enough with everything to talk about it and Jonas would never talk about his personal business to anyone behind his back. Isak doesn’t know what he could do to get alone with Even because after Jonas’ little speech he has been thinking about talking to Even over and over again and he feels like it’s something he really should do. He wants to properly apologize and most of all, he wants to know how Even is doing.

On Tuesday, Even is sitting on one of the benches outside the school with some third years when Isak is going home with Magnus. On Wednesday, Even is sitting in the same hallway as Isak and Mahdi who are waiting for their chemistry lesson to begin. On Thursday, Isak is with all of the boys when he sees Even cross the school yard from one of the windows on the second floor. On Friday, Isak walks behind Even and his two friends to school from the tram stop. He debates on whether he should run up to them and just talk to Even but something holds him back. Something tells him it’s not the right time.

So when he gets out of school on Friday afternoon and he’s walking across the school yard with his boys he’s still feeling a bit uneasy about his past coming to haunt his present life – even though he has to admit he knew it was going to happen sooner or later. The boys around him are talking about the pregame they had planned to have at Magnus’ place and arguing about who should bring beer.

“Isak! You still owe me a six-pack,” Jonas says and Isak scoffs.

“Me? I think it might be you who owes me, remember that one party a few weeks ago where I gave you my beer?” Isak reminds Jonas who just makes a disbelieving noise.

“Are you completely serious? I have given you at least two six-packs in the last, like, months and you gave me two cans at that party!”

“Yeah, that’s true,” Mahdi chimes in and Isak rolls his eyes at him. Why are they all always ganging up on him?

“What do you know, you weren’t even there?” Isak questions and Mahdi just mumbles something about him knowing Isak and how he never has any beer. Jonas nods fiercely along with Mahdi and Magnus is – well, he’s on his phone, completely ignoring the others around him. Isak is envious.

“Yeah, so you will bring us beer today, right?” Jonas says as they all stop at an intersection. Isak exhales but nods.

“Sure, whatever, I’ll ask Eskild to buy it or something,” he says and starts to slowly walk backwards to the direction of his tram stop. “I’ll see you later, then. Bye!”

The other boys yell their goodbyes as he turns around and fishes his phone out of his pocket, already texting Eskild.

Eskild answers just as Isak’s tram arrives and he gets on it – it’s a negative answer which Eskild reasons with being stuck at work the whole evening. Isak doesn’t really know what he’s going to do now that his only beer supplier has let him down on his request. He bites the inside of his cheek trying to think of someone who could get him the goods he needs – when suddenly there’s someone beside him in the tram.

“Hi.” Isak doesn’t need any other words to recognize the voice immediately. His chest tightens and his fingers tingle as he looks up at Even, standing next to him and holding on to the pole between them. He looks even taller now that Isak’s actually standing beside him and he knows he looks like an idiot with his mouth open and eyes widened.

“Hi,” his words are breathless as he tries to get a grip of himself. Maybe this is the right time for him to talk to Even. Maybe the universe has planned for them to meet at this exact moment so they could finally talk.

“Are you on your way home?” Even asks and raises his eyebrows. Isak swallows harshly – Even doesn’t know where he lives nowadays. He must have figured out that Isak has moved out since their childhood homes are quite close to each other and Isak hasn’t been around there in almost six months now.

Isak clears his throat to strengthen his voice. “Yeah, I live downtown now,” he says. “You’re– you’re not going home?” It’s a dumb question because Isak knows Even should take the other tram to get to to his house and Even knows Isak knows that. Even smiles at him.

“No, I was going to buy some beer for tonight,” he says and Isak narrows his eyes the tiniest bit.

“Could you, um, perhaps, buy me beer, too?” he asks but right after the words leave his mouth he regrets it. First time they’re talking since everything and the first thing he says is him asking for a favour. “I mean, only if it’s okay, I don’t want to bother you.”

Even’s smile grows a bit bigger as he looks at Isak. There’s something sparkling in his eyes but Isak can’t put a name on it so he just keeps staring at the blue eyes, hoping he hasn’t already ruined this. “Sure,” is all he gets out of Even who doesn’t sound bitter or angry or hurt – if Isak is hearing right, Even sounds more amused than anything.

When they reach the closest store that sells alcohol Even stops in his tracks, expression contemplative. “You know what, I forgot my ID so you’ll have to come with me to get it,” he says and starts to walk to the other direction. Isak just looks at him, confused, but then he goes after Even. If there’s one thing that hasn’t changed is the fact that Isak is ready to follow Even anywhere he takes them – this is no exception.

As they’re on their way to Even’s house and Isak is looking at him shyly, thinking about going back to Even’s place to get his ID, something hits him. “Wait, you’re two years older than me and I’m on the second grade,” he blurts out before he can think about it. Even’s smile falters a bit but after two seconds it’s back again and Even huffs out a laugh. It sounds a bit forced to Isak’s ears and he regrets bringing it up because he has an idea as to why Even is repeating his third year – but he’s not sure if they’re currently comfortable enough with each other to talk about Even’s past.

“Yeah, I’m doing my third year at the moment,” Even says nonchalantly and shrugs his shoulder a bit. Isak just nods and stares at his shoes, not knowing what to say. They make their way in silence. The silence surrounding them isn’t exactly awkward but it’s not a comfortable silence either and Isak’s not sure if it’s because of his previous observation or the whole situation with them not having talked after Isak left Even’s place the last time – either way, Isak knows it’s his fault and he can feel the guilt burning at the bottom of his stomach again.

When they reach the street Even lives on Isak’s heart clenches. The only thing going around in his head is the fact that the last time he was here he had just left Even sleeping in his bed after a night which meant a lot to him. When he glances at Even he knows Even is thinking about that night, too – his eyes aren’t sparkling like they were before and once again Isak feels like his smile is kind of forced. Isak can’t help but wonder why Even decided it was a good idea to bring Isak here – even though Even has dramatic tendencies he would never want to humiliate Isak or hurt him.

“What’s on your mind?” Even asks as he unlocks the front door and goes in. As Isak steps in he feels like his lungs stop working for a second. It feels surreal to be here during daylight.

“Nothing,” he answers after a beat of silence and Even just glances at him, eyebrows raised as he makes his way to his room. Isak goes after him, hoping there’s no one home besides them. As they walk by the kitchen and the living room there’s no one to be seen so he feels a little relieved. He wouldn’t want to have to face Even’s mother after he broke his promises and didn’t be there for her son.

Once they get to Even’s room, Isak stops by the door. He hopes Even doesn’t notice his hesitation before he takes a deep breath in and moves towards Even’s bed. He sits carefully on the edge and watches as Even searches for his ID. They’re silent for a few minutes before Even turns around to face Isak and takes a step closer.

“Found it?” Isak asks and smiles at the taller boy in front of him who shakes his head.

“No but I remembered I have beer here if you’d want to, um, drink with me,” Even says and Isak’s chest tightens. He has been dreaming of a situation where he is alone with Even for the past week but now that it is right in front of him he feels nervous. Despite his nerves, he nods and smiles even wider when Even beams at him.

The alcohol relaxes the atmosphere a lot so after an hour of just drinking and eating whatever Even finds in their cupboards they find themselves lying on Even’s bed, talking about everything but at the same time nothing. Isak doesn’t know how to talk about the heavier topics he would like to go through and it just feels so nice to talk with Even overall – it’d be wrong to ruin the mood.

But he has to.

“Even?” he tries as he stares the familiar ceiling.

“Mhm?”

“I’m so sorry,” Isak whispers. He’s said it so many times before but right now it feels like this is the one that has mattered the most – ever. He doesn’t want to look at Even to see his reaction but he is forced to by Even’s hand, cupping his cheek and making him turn his head. When his eyes meet Even’s it almost takes his breath away. Even’s eyes are filled with so much emotion it feels overwhelming.

“Isak. You’ve been my best friends for ten years now. We have both suffered so much throughout these years but we somehow always end up here. Last year, when you called me and came here I was hoping everything would fall back into place but then you– you left and it fucking broke me. I went through a lot of shit at school at the time, too and with Sonja and my friends and I– it was stressful. I had to drop out and nothing felt right until– until I saw you on Monday, sitting there with your friends,” Even says and his voice is calm and a bit lower than it usually is. Isak doesn’t know what to say or what to think or how to breathe.

Everything feels so much – Even telling him about his past and calling him his best friend even though all of the shit he put him through. Even using their codeword “stress” which makes Isak’s insides twist – one more situation when Isak hasn’t been there for Even when he has needed it the most. He feels like he’s suffocating.

“Even–”, he tries but Even cuts him off.

“Let me have my epic speech everyone gets in the movies,” he says and gives Isak a small but absolutely genuine smile. Isak just nods, still overwhelmed by everything.

“So, for the past week I’ve been trying to come up with a plan to get you alone to tell you all of this. I’m here for you, Isak. I’ve always been. I don’t want to lose you anymore,” Even finishes. Isak’s heart is about to beat out of his chest. He’s speechless, he’s completely, utterly out of words. Words aren’t enough so he just stares at Even.

Even, who has gone through so much shit. Even, who Isak has hurt. Even, who is the bravest and most wonderful boy Isak has ever known.

“I’m so fucking sorry,” Isak whispers. “I left you after what must have been one of the most emotionally draining nights of my life. I unloaded my problems on you and– you didn’t deserve that. And still you were there for me, holding me and telling me everything would be okay. And I fucking left – I hate myself for that and I know this isn’t gonna magically fix everything but– I was so scared. I had never told anyone about– about not being into girls or the issues I had home. I had never told anything to anyone and then I talked to you and I told you everything and it felt so good when you held my hand and hugged me and comforted me it was fucking ridiculous.

“I never really understood why I left that morning but I guess it was because I was so scared of it– of everything becoming real and I know that sounds like bullshit but– I feel so fucking guilty about it. I feel so guilty about not being there for you all these years. I lost years of my life, not having you in it just because I was so scared and it’s– it makes me so angry at myself. And I’m so sorry that I haven’t been the best friend you deserve to have.”

Even just looks at him, something burning behind his eyes. His thumb is caressing Isak’s cheekbone and Isak just wishes Even would say something, say anything. He doesn’t know if he makes any sense but he hopes Even forgives him because he doesn’t want to lose Even anymore, either. He knows he’s selfish when he hopes Even will stay with him and not kick him out and just leave him to live his life but he feels like nothing is more important in this world than Even.

After a few seconds of silence Isak can see the smallest smile tugging Even’s lips. “Relax, I’ve got you,” says Even and Isak could cry and laugh and scream. He doesn’t do anything, though, because Even is closing the distance between them and suddenly, his lips are on Isak’s.

At first Isak doesn’t know how to react because the movement was so sudden but then – then he melts against Even and everything clicks and falls into place in his mind.

It just comes to Isak like a flood of emotions, thoughts and memories. Every touch, big or small, intentional or unintentional. Every glance. All of the emotions he has felt, all the physical things that has happened in his body when he’s around Even. Every word, every little detail.

It’s not a profound realization. It’s just something that washes over him and makes every piece of his puzzle fit.

The reason why every parting has hurt so much, the reason why every reunion has felt so good. The reason why he has felt jealous, the reason why his silly crush on Jonas never felt like it was anything compared to the butterflies in his stomach when around Even. The reason why  _ nothing _ ever compared to the feelings he has for Even.

Besides Even being his best friend – he’s also everything else. He’s the one that makes Isak’s heart flutter like no one else.

He’s the one his body, mind and soul have intertwined themselves with.

He’s the one Isak wants and needs.

So he kisses Even back. His hand finds its way to Even’s neck and it tangles in his hair while Even is still holding his cheek gently – and their lips keep moving against each other effortlessly.

Isak doesn’t know how long they kiss. It’s a soft kiss, as soft as the first kiss he ever had. The kiss takes him back to when he was twelve and scared about other people finding about the lack of experience he had. Now, he has kissed many girls but this – it all comes down to this. Even’s lips feel so right pressed against his. Even lying beside him feels so right. Nothing feels forced or fake. It’s real.

It’s real.

When they break the kiss, Isak opens his eyes to meet Even’s. The blue eyes sparkle, they’re filled with fondness and disbelief and adoration. Isak’s whole body feels warm when he looks into the eyes that mean the world to him.

“Isak”, Even breathes out. His breath tickles Isak’s neck. Isak’s fingers start to play with a strand of Even’s hair behind his ear and Even gives him a small smile. “I’m not letting you go this time.”

Even’s voice is barely audible but the words still make Isak’s whole body tingle.

“Good, because I don’t want to leave you ever again,” he just responds and lifts his chin up just the slightest, asking for permission to kiss Even again. Even lets out the smallest laugh – it’s filled with fondness – before he obliges and presses his lips against Isak’s.

This time the kiss isn’t just soft – it’s all lips and tongues and teeth. It’s almost desperate – like they’re trying to make all the lost years up, like they haven’t been able to breathe properly but now,  _ now _ their lungs fill with the oxygen they share. Isak ends up lying half on top of Even’s chest, hand still tangled in Even’s hair. Even holds him close, other hand under Isak and the other one wandering over every part of Isak he can reach.

They make out lazily on the bed for what feels like a small eternity. Isak feels like he could do this forever – like he was born to do just this. Sometimes it gets so heated he has to break the kiss just to catch his breath but their lips find each other again every time.

After a while it gets impossible for Isak to ignore the hardness in his pants so he tries to turn back on his side, slightly embarrassed about Even feeling him through their jeans. Even lets him roll onto his side but pushes him on his back instead and getting on top of him. Isak almost pushes him away when he feels Even’s crotch against his, already embarrassed about the whole ordeal and – oh. He’s not alone with his situation. When he realizes that, his smile against Even’s lips is too wide for them to continue kissing so Even leans back on his forearms.

“What?” he asks and when he looks like that – hair all messed up and face flushed, lips quirked up in a confused smile – Isak is left speechless. This boy. During all those years he didn’t realize that  _ this boy _ wasn’t just someone. He lets out a disbelieving laugh.

“I can’t believe you’re real. And that this is real,” he says and his voice is so much softer than he meant it to be. He doesn’t care. He feels soft, he feels warm, he feels content. Everything is okay in this minute.

Something changes in Even’s eyes. “I have never felt something like this,” he murmurs. Isak’s heart melts right there and then.

“Me neither,” he whispers in response, already pulling Even down for a kiss.

The kiss starts off as something tender and gentle and Isak’s head is spinning. He doesn’t know anything else in this world except for Even. Even is everything he feels, hears, thinks, sees. Their kiss starts to get deeper and more heated after what could be minutes or hours – there are hands grabbing every bit of skin they get ahold of, lips tracing every inch of exposed skin, pressure on the right areas and two bodies rolling around. They are desperate for each other after having waited for so long.

Isak feels overwhelmed by how much he wants Even – Even’s mind, body and soul. Isak wants everything about him.

“Even– oh my god,” he ends up panting out some time that evening.

“Mhm,” Even makes a sound around him, from somewhere between his legs.

“I’m– fuck, I’m–,” is all he gets out but Even understands him with or without words. Even always understands.

After Even settles back down beside Isak, hand loosely around his stomach, Isak feels nervous after the pure bliss he experienced just a moment earlier dissipates. He’s never done anything like this before but he knows he wants Even to feel as good as Even just made him feel – he isn’t quite sure if that was Even’s first time trying also but his thoughts are too occupied by what he’s about to do to care.

“Isak, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want,” Even whispers into his hair, pressing a small kiss on his temple. Isak turns around in Even’s arms to face him.

“I want to, though,” he says and presses his lips on Even’s neck before trailing kisses down his flushed chest. He has never been more sure of everything – he now realizes that Even’s happiness and pleasure is the most important thing to him at this very moment. And he has waited his time – he has waited for Even for so long already, more than half of his life. So he goes for it.

When they are both back lying on their sides, catching their breaths and gently touching each other everywhere they can, a thought pops into Isak’s head.

“Wait, where’s your mom?” he asks. He feels embarrassment rising already, thinking about the noises they were eliciting just a few minutes earlier. Even brushes his hand through Isak’s curls.

“She’s out of town visiting family,” he answers and smiles at Isak who melts into his touch. “What time is it?” he asks quietly after a moment of silence.

Isak rolls on his back and leans over the bed to fish his phone out of the pockets of his jeans. When he sees all the messages from his and his boys’ groupchat he freezes for a moment. He completely forgot they boys existed and that he indeed had plans with them.

“It’s 21:21,” he answers Even. There's a shift in Even's expression – it's like his eyes shine a bit brighter and his smile becomes deeper. Isak doesn't ask about his reaction and instead opens the groupchat he has with the boys and scrolls through the mess that is the messages the boys have sent.

The first ones are just them asking where Isak is and if he got the beer but then they turn a notch more confused and irritated. He sighs, not knowing what to respond so he just opens up his private conversation with Jonas instead.

**ISAK:** _ Sorry I ditched you, met Even on the tram and we’ve been talking _

**JONAS:** _ Oh okay no problem _

_ Do you want me to tell mahdi and mags? _

Isak looks over at Even who’s just watching every move he makes with a content smile on his face. Isak smiles at Even.

**ISAK:** _ Nah, I’ll tell them myself tomorrow _

He puts his phone down on Even’s nightstand and turns to face Even. Even opens up his arms and Isak shuffles closer immediately. He feels safe in Even’s arms, like he belongs there.

They stay there lying all tangled up, not saying much until Even shifts a bit so that Isak can see his face. Isak raises his eyebrows at him in question. He’s already tired, it must be past midnight already and he hasn’t been sleeping well since – since a long time ago.

“You know, when I was nine I made a wish under a shooting star,” Even says quietly, fingers gently tracing Isak’s facial features. “And you came true.”

Isak’s breath hitches in his throat. “What did you wish for?” he asks, voice as quiet as Even’s.

“I wished for happiness.”

Isak doesn’t know what to say so he just kisses Even’s lips gently, hoping Even will get what he wants to say.

“And I knew immediately when I saw you that you were something special. When we used to hang out every day, I knew. When I first got diagnosed and you were there for me… I knew. When I dated Sonja, it never felt quite the same – everything felt so different when I was with you. And then, when you called me last year and came to my house… I knew it for certain,” Even’s words are so quiet and the whole moment is so intimate Isak feels like his skin is burning. “There was no going back. I had fallen.”

They stare at each other in silence, Even’s eyes are intense but Isak doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about anything else at this minute – he only cares about the boy in his arms.

“I think I knew always, too – even though I tried to repress everything going through my head,” Isak whispers. He has never been great with words but for Even, he’s willing to try and improve his skills. He wants and needs Even to know how much he means to him and how much he cares about him.

But for now, they kiss.

– –

Isak is sitting on one of the benches outside of the school, waiting for the boys to show up. They agreed to meet there when Isak texted them Saturday morning, after he and Even took a shower together and Even made him breakfast. He had to drop by at kollektivet to change into some new clothes and got a few curious looks from Eskild and even Linn but ignored them because he was in a rush to meet the boys.

Who are now fifteen minutes late.

Isak fidgets with his phone, trying to come up with something to say when he has to talk to the boys. His brain feels empty, like every single word has been erased from his memory.

“What’s up, traitor?” Mahdi’s voice interrupts his thoughts and he has to face reality. 

“Traitor?” he tries to laugh as he clasps his friends’ hands in greeting before they all settle down there on the benches, waiting for Isak to say something. Isak glances at Jonas who just nods the tiniest bit, couraging him to just do it, straight up.

“Um, guys?” he asks. “Do you– do you remember my friend, uhm, Even?”

“Yeah? I guess? What’s up?” Magnus asks and looks as confused as Mahdi sitting beside him.

His throat feels tight. He has no idea where to go from there so he just shuts his brain off and decides to go with whatever comes to his mind.

“I– he’s– we’re–,” he has no idea what to say. “I met him yesterday on the tram and spent the evening with him.”

There’s a beat of silence.

“What? What do you mean? You ditched us for him?” Mahdi questions, trying to make sense of Isak. Isak looks around the three guys and when his eyes land on Jonas he realizes what he’s about to do. Jonas doesn’t know about this part of the story.

“Yeah, we sort of, um– had a thing,” he says. He isn’t sure why he uses the past tense because he’s about one hundred percent sure that his “thing” with Even is only beginning.

“Like, in the past?” Magnus asks, still confused as ever. Isak doesn’t dare to look at Jonas so he just watches Magnus and Mahdi’s confused faces.

“No, um, no, we were just– just friends, like, when we were kids but– but– last night–,” he doesn’t know where he is going with this. He has no idea what he even could say to make the guys understand the situation. 

Luckily, he might not have to, if the smile forming on Magnus’ face is anything to go by. “So you’re, like, gay?” he asks with a grin. Isak looks around the boys, meeting everyone’s gaze quickly, still trying to find the right words. When he looks at Jonas who has an encouraging smile on his face, he opens his mouth.

“I’m not gay. Or– like, yes, maybe I’m gay but it doesn’t mean I’m keen on every single guy I see. Like, I’m not keen on you guys, for example,” he rushes to explain because – he doesn’t even know why. Because he feels like he should. Because he feels like the guys will judge him. Because he feels like they’re going to leave him if he doesn’t.

“So, what’s the thing between you and Even?” Jonas asks and Isak looks at him. His expression hasn’t changed, there’s still the genuine smile on his face. He still sounds like he’s actually interested in Isak’s life.

“I don’t know, we’re not official or anything but–,” he answers and feels a slight blush creeping on his cheeks and neck. Images from last night rush to occupy his mind and he’s doing everything he can to prevent them from coming – he doesn’t need an awkward boner in the middle of this discussion.

“But you’re something?” Mahdi asks with a smile. Isak nods shyly, fighting the grin trying to spread on his face. He doesn’t know what he has done in his life to deserve these boys in it.

“So, when are we gonna get to meet him?” Magnus asks excitedly and Isak feels taken aback – he doesn’t know if he’s ready for two different sides of his life to meet each other. He can’t help but wonder if it’s too soon – but at the same time, it’s about time, right? He’s known Even for ten years and the boys are definitely a big part of his life, too.

“Um– I don’t… I don’t know,” he answers because he truly doesn’t know. Jonas taps his shoulder comfortingly.

“Take your time, there must be so much going on between you two after all these years. Sort your things out and just tell us when,” he says and smiles. Isak feels so touched. Jonas is truly one of the greatest people he knows – and he appreciates their friendship.

“Yeah, since you’re probably getting laid all the time now that you finally got together,” Magnus grins and everyone just groans at him. “What? It’s true, we all know that,” Magnus laughs and Mahdi and Jonas just shake their heads.

“Okay, so I have to get going back home before Mags says more stupid shit so, see you on Monday,” Jonas says as he stands up to leave. Mahdi leaves with him, leaving Isak alone with Magnus.

Isak is ready to say goodbye but then Magnus speaks. “But really, I’m happy for you,” he says and hugs Isak. Isak has never really been a hugger – well, he has hugged Even more than is possible to count in his lifetime but no one else, really. It feels weird but at the same time he feels happy and warm inside. So he hugs Magnus back.

He really is grateful to have Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi in his life.

– –

When Isak arrives at school on the following Monday he’s faced with conflicting thoughts running through his head. On the other hand, he is very excited to see Even again, even though he has spent half the weekend in Even’s arms and half of it holding Even. However, he realizes that there are other people around, too, now and it changes everything. He also quickly realizes that he might have to introduce his other friends to Even very soon – whether he’s ready or not.

He knows he still is very much keen on Even and would give anything he has to offer just to get to watch his face or touch his hand or hair – not to mention to kiss his sinful lips. But a part of him screams at him, terrified about the thought of other people seeing them together and judging him – judging them. He knows that people talk. He has heard people say the most horrifying things – and, well, he has said some horrible things himself, too, in the past. He hates the thought of some random people discussing his life – or Even’s for that matter.

Every scared thought disappears from his head when he sees Even walk towards him and the boys, however. They are standing in a hallway, waiting for their lessons to start. The boys are talking about something dumb and irrelevant – Isak has to admit he isn’t concentrating on the conversation happening around him. His mind can only concentrate on the beautiful blue eyes staring at him and the gorgeous smile spread on Even’s lips. It makes Isak’s heart do things.

“Halla,” Even says as he walks up to the boy squad. Everyone goes silent and just stares at Even. Isak mumbles a soft “hi” in response and clears his throat.

“Guys, this is Even,” he introduces them and swings his arm vaguely in front of Even. “Even, these are– the guys.” It’s not much but it eases the brief tension that formed around them. Mahdi and Jonas shake Even’s hand, exchanging names but Magnus – he hugs Even. Isak has to smile at the view – his best friends in the entire world bonding with his other best friend, his other half. He melts a bit at the thought.

Fucking hell, when did he become this sappy?

“So, what’s up?” Even asks when the boys finally settle down from the excitement of meeting Even. Isak has to glare at Magnus a bit since he’s staring at Even in complete awe – mouth hanging a bit open, eyes widened and filled with adoration. Even, however, is staring at Isak. Isak suddenly feels too shy to stare back so he decides to just stare at his shoes, feeling a blush creep up on his cheeks.

“We were just talking about this party we went to on Saturday,” Magnus fills Even in and Even nods at him, seeming genuinely interested. Isak has to steal a glance towards him and give him a private smile. He’s so good around new people Isak feels a bit envious. He can already see his boys liking Even a lot and the thought of them bonding truly warms his heart.

“Oh? Was the party any good?” Even makes easy conversation but still keeps his tone interested.

Magnus and Jonas both make affirmative noises. “Yeah! You and Isak should totally have been there,” Magnus sounds so excited Isak gives in and smiles at him instead of glaring. Magnus reminds him of an excited puppy.

“Yeah – no, I think out night might have been even more fun,” Even says and Isak’s head snaps up to see Even’s raised eyebrows. Even did not just say that in front of his friends. His friends who are now a total mess of hollering and whooping. Isak lets out a nervous laugh, not knowing how else to react.

“Okay, well, we have to get to class now, but it was amazing to meet you, Even,” Magnus saves the situation and Isak is more than grateful when he watches his friends say their goodbyes and disappear to a classroom. Isak lets out an exhale and dares to look into Even’s eyes again. Even’s eyes are already on him.

“Hi,” Even smiles at him, downright beaming like the sun. Isak can’t help but feel his own lips quirk up at the beautiful view. “They are nice,” Even says with a small nod towards the direction where the boys disappeared. Isak just nods. He wants to take Even’s hand and pull him into a kiss but he feels shy inside the walls of their school – so he just settles for looking at the piece of art standing in front of him.

“To be completely honest, I didn’t really believe you had any other friends besides me,” Even says playfully, stepping a bit closer to Isak. “But I guess I’m convinced now.”

“No, you caught me, they’re actors,” Isak says and shivers slightly when he feels Even’s laugh against his skin. Even is really close to him now – it’s borderline uncomfortable for Isak before he looks around to find them to be the only ones in the hallway. He relaxes in a heartbeat.

“Oh?” Even breathes out and the huff of air tickles Isak’s cheek. It sends a tingling feeling down Isak’s spine. “I’m glad they got their coffee break now, then. I missed you.” Even’s words make Isak let out a fond chuckle.

“We literally saw each other less than ten hours ago, you idiot,” he murmurs. Even raises his eyebrows, still smiling widely. “I missed you, too.” That earns three quick pecks on his lips from Even before he pulls away, still smiling wide.

“We’ll meet after school, then?” Even asks, eyebrows raised. Isak nods with a shy smile as he watches Even disappear around the corner, smirk still on his face. Isak feels relieved and on top of the world – it went well. Everything is okay. He sighs in contentment before he collects himself and makes his way to his biology lesson.

When they get back to kollektivet after school, Isak is tired. He would usually just collapse on his bed after school since sleeping at night is still somewhat of a challenge for him – but now he doesn’t want to pass out since every cell of his wants to spend as much time as possible with Even. It doesn’t even matter whether he just gets to look at him or talk to him or touch him. He just wants to never waste a single minute of his life not being with Even anymore. So, when they find themselves in the kitchen, Even making them food and Isak sitting on the kitchen countertop, Isak allows himself to be happy.

Even glances at him before turning back to stirring the pan in front of him. “You look happy,” he observes and Isak’s smile gets even wider.

“I am happy,” he says, looking down at his dangling legs. Then Even is trying to get his hips between them, hands cupping Isak’s face, forcing him to look into his eyes. Isak gives Even space between his legs happily, gently squeezing his hips with his thighs.

Even kisses his lips – it’s just a small peck but Isak melts into it immediately. “I’m happy that you’re happy,” Even murmurs and his thumb sweeps across Isak’s cheekbone comfortingly. Isak’s hands find Even’s middle and he draws him even closer to him, pressing his forehead against Even’s at the same time. Their noses bump against each other and Isak feels like nothing could ever be as pure as their noses kissing each other.

Until Even presses his lips against his again and he loses every thought he has ever had. He loses everything he knows and everything he dreams of because  _ this _ is definitely the most pure thing in the entire universe. Them, kissing softly, being happy.

He just wonders how he never realized before – how he never understood that he was, in fact, falling for Even. Now that he has had time to look back on the ten years they have known each other for he sees it in every look, in every touch. He sees his love grow stronger over the years and his chest aches so much more when he thinks about the times they lost contact with each other. It hurt so much back then – he now understands that it was his heart breaking.

But now his heart is healing itself. It’s healing fracture by fracture, every crack filling with the love he feels for his best friend, with every kiss, touch, and smile they share. He never wants to stop feeling like this. He is so gone for the boy who holds him gently but still tight enough for Isak to know he isn’t going to let go. The boy who kisses him softly but at the same time their kisses can be needy, desperate and filled of lust. The boy who is his best friend but who is also so much more.

Even lets go of Isak’s face to go back to the stove, not wanting for their dinner to burn. Isak watches his back in wonder, smiling to himself. He gets to have this. This is actually his reality. He has a boy and he’s lucky enough for the boy to want him back.

“I should probably get to my essay for biology,” Isak says and slides down from the counter. Even turns to him with raised eyebrows. “What? Sana’s going to kill me if I don’t do my part and you’re cooking, so I’m not going to get any kisses,” he says and smiles at Even who just laughs. It’s the most beautiful sound.

Even corners him against the counter, hands sliding down to rest on his hips. “I’m sure Sana will forgive you if you tell her the reason why you didn’t do any of the work is that you were too busy kissing the man of your life,” he murmurs and presses his lips against Isak’s. Isak smiles into the kiss.

“I can’t lie to her just to save my reputation as the master of biology,” Isak mumbles against Even’s soft lips before Even takes a step back, hand dramatically on his chest, acting all offended.

“What? I’m not the man of your life?” he asks with a smile which reveals his teeth, eyebrows raised.

“I’m sorry you had to find out this way,” Isak says while pulling Even back and lifting his chin up, asking for a kiss. Even gives in easily.

“Holy fuck, you’re such a bad liar,” Even says in between kisses and Isak rolls his eyes dramatically before pulling away from the kiss to look into Even’s eyes.

“You’re the man of my life.” The words are barely audible but Even hears him anyway. The look on Even’s face is a mixture of overflowing emotions – mostly fondness, awe and something deeper Isak can’t name. Even kisses him once again. The kiss is the most tender kiss they have ever share. It’s almost like Even is scared to break Isak – or perhaps interrupt the sweet moment they’re having. Either way, Isak feels weak in the knees.


End file.
